Being a man isn’t what it used to be. Today, the law is out to get us, women hate us, and football players can’t even tackle people anymore. We share your pain, which is why we’re counting down the worst things about being a guy.
10. Men’s bathrooms
Guys do their business standing up which, let’s face it, is awesome. I wouldn’t have it any other way. That being said, some dudes have to ruin it for the rest of us by using the opportunity to piss all over everything. Not to mention all the other gross shit that goes down in there.
Studies show that 75% of men’s public restrooms are literally hell on Earth. So fellas, do us all a favor and pay attention when you’re using the bathroom and keep your bodily fluids in the toilet. Flushing when you’re done wouldn’t hurt either.
Starting with puberty, men start growing hair any and everywhere. Armpits, balls, face, chest, back, nostrils, ears. Some have it worse than others but it can be a serious pain in the ass for all of us. Speaking of, what’s up with hairy butt cracks?
Most of the hair doesn’t even serve a real purpose (unless you’re a nudist) other than annoying the shit out of you and making us experts with a razor/scissors. Then, just when hair has started growing out of your nose and you’ve finally accepted your fate as a hairy beast, you go bald.
8. Going down with the ship
In the unlikely occurrence that your cruise ship goes under, you’ll be waiting in line for all of the women and children. This also applies to house fires, hostages situations, and numerous other life threatening situations. Because according to society, having a penis means you deserve to die.
There’s a reason we call assholes “dicks”. It’s because your dick is an asshole. He’s ready to rip through the front of your pants at the most embarrassing times, yet can be completely useless when you really need him. I once pitched a tent big enough to sleep a family of four while giving a presentation in science class.
Not to mention all the terrible life decisions I’ve made listening to my erection.
This one may be confusing because you associate purses with all the dumb shit women carry around in them. Think outside of the box. Having a bag on you at all times means never going without a football, beef jerky on demand, and not losing your sunglasses.
You can probably sneak some stuff into your girlfriend’s purse when she’s not looking but good luck because it’s already filled to the brim with tampons. European men said fuck that and made their own bags but it still hasn’t quite caught on over here in the US, unfortunately.
5. Paying for your own drinks
Imagine if you could go out on a given night and drink for free. Amazing, right? It’s called being a woman. Just wear as little clothing as possible and men will go out of their way to spend money on you. You don’t even have to talk to them half the time.
This also includes food, jewelry, clothes, bills, cars, vacations, and pretty much anything else you could dream of. If a girl’s hot enough, she could go her entire life without paying for anything.
4. Getting punched in the face
Remember all the times you’ve seen a woman get a right hook to the cranium. Take your time, I’ll wait…….
What’s that? You say you’ve never seen it happen? That’s because it very rarely does.
A chick can be the biggest bitch possible and still never get clocked. Meanwhile, guys get laid out all the time, even when minding their own business. Sometimes, you have no choice but to fight. If you’re an asshole, it’s almost guaranteed.
Yes, zippers. Your archnemesis. The most dangerous piece of clothing a man has ever seen.
You’re watching the game and having a couple beers with your boys. There’s a break in the action and you run off to take a leak. As you’re finishing up, they start going crazy in the living room. What’s happening!? You rush to zip—HOLY SHIT!
Best case scenario: Excruciating pain, blood, tears, mental and emotional trauma
Worst case scenario: Emergency room
What kind of sick bastard decided to put sharp metal teeth so close to your johnson? But it’s not just zippers. Baseballs to the groin, kicks to the nuts, that top bar on your bike. The world is like one big minefield of dick injuries.
2. Helping people move
If there’s one thing I hate, it’s moving furniture. If you know any women whatsoever you’ve probably been asked to help them move at least once or twice. Other guys will hit you up from time to time but at least they can return the favor. Dudes who own a pickup truck might as well start a moving company so you can at least get paid for the constant harassment you’ll receive.
However, there is a secret technique I have developed and tested for getting out of this. Find the most expensive thing in their house and drop it down a flight of stairs. Problem solved.
1. Listening to women nag
It all starts with your mother: ‘Clean your room’, ‘eat your vegetables’. Pretty soon, you get your first high school girlfriend: ‘Did you just look at her butt’, ‘you never pay attention to meeee’. Eventually, you get married and now, like some cruel joke, your wife nags you about your mother’s nagging. It’s like the “Inception” of complaining. You don’t even care if the drapes match the fucking carpet, you just want to drink beer and play Call of Duty.
See also: the silent treatment; feet stomping; slamming doors
There you have it. The plight of modern man. It’s hard out here for a pimp.
With that said, we still love being men. Stay tuned for our next article celebrating the glory of manhood with 10 Reasons Being a Guy is Awesome!