Written by a woman, yes I have spies working for us guys!
Now listen up, because I’m breaking a big rule here. Every girl knows that it’s part of the girl-code that we never admit to being wrong. Ever. Until now. The fact is that women are fed an awful lot of bullshit about men. Blame Cosmo, Oprah, whoever you like. When it comes down to it, it’s not always our fault that we’re wrong about you. What I hope, is that by sharing this information (and possibly having to go into the Witness Protection Program), you may be a little more understanding and tolerant when we screw up. And if you’re a truly awesome guy, you’ll educate your girl to know differently. So, here goes, the myths that women believe about men…
1. You Like Surprises in Bed
This is definitely Cosmo’s fault. For years we have been told that to keep the magic alive we need to constantly surprise you. We receive advice such as, “surprise him by putting a finger in his ass just as he cums!” (yes, really, I have read that), or “try sucking on a strong mint as you fellate him!” Rather obviously these things would probably surprise you a little more than you would like. If you do not enjoy nasty surprises, you may want to define what a surprise actually is.
2. You Think About Sex All the Time
Ever since some ridiculous statistic came out saying that men think about sex every three seconds it’s become accepted as truth in women’s media that all you ever do is fantasize. Logistically this cannot be true, as many of you hold down jobs, and manage to watch an entire episode of Breaking Bad without whipping it out for a quick wank. And yet we believe it. So you might be down for a little cuddle time, but in the back of our heads there is always the idea that you’re only cuddling because you want sex. Little unfair maybe?
3. You Put Hidden Meanings into Everything
This isn’t so much anyone’s fault, as a flaw in our design. Women are analytical by nature. We are rarely direct in what we say and therefore we presume that you aren’t either. When you say “I’m tired,” you mean “I’m tired.” But we think maybe I’m boring him, maybe he wants to go to bed for sex, maybe he’s been screwing around with someone else and that’s why he’s tired…. and on and on and on…. Yes, it’s hysterical. But it’s difficult for us to get our heads around the fact that you actually mean what you say.
4. You Masturbate/Watch Porn Because We’re Not Enough For You
Women are self-doubting creatures. Is it really any wonder? We’re constantly being bombarded with images of what attractive and sexy looks like that we can’t possibly live up to. We’re constantly being told of ways to improve our sexual skills, intimating that we’re not good enough already. So, yes, when we catch you whacking off, or see your browser history, we jump to the conclusion that we’re just not good enough for you. And that’s pretty hurtful. It probably sounds a little stupid to you, and logically, even we know that it doesn’t make sense. But the truth is, our first reaction to something like this is nearly always going to be a feeling of unworthiness. So be careful how you handle the situation.